An Essential Virus: Shattered
by Meilin Li
Summary: A look into the thoughts of Nakuru Akizuki and her 'family'. What they're like and what caused their personalities. -complete-


Disclaimer: I don't own CCS...nor do I own any other character portrayed in this fic.

AN: I know Nakuru is genderless, but I portrayed her as a girl in my ficcy. And the 'Master' that Nakuru speaks of is Eriol and Clow. I sorta made them as one person, with one life. I'm sorry for writing this before I finish The Dance of Life, but it wouldn't leave me alone. Now that it's out maybe it'll leave me be and I'll start writing the next chapter for that ficcy. Anyway...review please. This is a sort of new format I wrote this fic in. So I would like to know how I did, should I stop writing like this or continue? 

Thoughts of Nakuru Akizuki...

In my mind, there is no doubt that the world could use more blithe spirited people. Life is often tedious and monotonous from what I can see. It is a wonder people can even survive with all the anger and loneliness wedged deep within themselves. Some would tell you that I am crazy, that I merely suspect these things, but I am not. I can _see_ these things. And no, it is not because I was a creation rather than a human. I can _sense_ the cutting edges of pain and regret that envelope their auras. It almost swallows them up. This results in their aloof characteristics, cold and distant. That's what happened to Yue. 

Yue and my Master are one in the same when it comes to emotions. With feelings buried so deep inside of them, one would have to dig a thousand years to even see a hint of joy, pain, or sorrow. I suppose it is a characteristic of us Clow 'descendants,' for I have that same need in myself to keep my emotions on a tight reign, just as Spinel and Kero does. 

Masks are worn so regularly that it is practically a part of us now. It is like an addiction, a support of some sort you could say. Once you know the possibilities of pain that are available, you recoil. You hide. You avoid. And soon hiding and avoiding becomes one of your best, most developed skills. For fear of wearing your real heart on your sleeve, and being hurt beyond repair is that of immense greatness. And is not easily conquered. No it is not. ...I suppose believing that is not so far-fetched. After all, I've seen what it did to Yue. I've seen what it did to my Master. And I know what could happen to me if I did the same. 

'Never take the Mask off.' That was Master's first request for us when we were created. No questions asked, we understood because a part of us was created to be aware of this. To slip the Mask on whenever we get into trouble. Why he never bothered to follow his own request later was beyond me. 

I never actually understood what my Master meant, but I knew to follow his word. He was too wise for me to defy, and honestly I didn't want to defy him. But I never understood until that day. That day in which I caught it in the lucid blue of Yue's eyes. A speck of a darker, deeper shade of blue in the corner of his irises. It wasn't plainly noticeable. It wasn't much. But it was a start. His Mask's first flaw. And that was the first push towards realization for myself. 

I remember now, Yue was never cold or distant before. Though vaguely, I recall that Yue used to wear a mask of happiness like I do at present. But something crushed it. Something shattered it into a million pieces, and his eyes, the crystal clear of his eyes were never the same again. His whole stature was never to be the same. 

Oh we tried. We tried _so_ hard to get Yue to open to all of us, for we were a family, Master, Spinel, Kero, Yue and I. It was all a futile attempt however. Eventually we all...gave up. But not I. I would never give up I had told myself. I suppose I pushed him past the edge one day, for he snapped at me in a way he never did to anybody before. 

I saw the suffering and anguish in his eyes and...and I just gave up. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. I was a coward. His eyes had held a dangerous glint that dared me to get closer, push him farther, and I fell. I backed off. _That_ gave me my first crack on my invaluable Mask. My perfect smile had wavered that day and heavy jagged rocks had pounded in the pits of my stomach. It was the first of many fissures that would surface on my porcelain facade.

Since that day I never spoke to him again, I couldn't. But I still prayed for him. I had hoped that nobody would ever experience what he was going through ever again. But the heavens did not as much as even consider my prayer.

Ever since the day I was created, I had watch my Master daily, making sure he was all right. That's what a creation should do ne? 

He was often strict but I knew his soft side. I've seen him when he was asleep, and it is only then that his true nature was not suppressed by the Mask. There are no other words to describe his simplicity when he is in a deep slumber, except maybe...innocence. But when he is awake, he could easily be mistaken for the fiend that is the devil. But really, he's not like that. 

When I watched over him on somber, stormy nights, I saw nothing more than a mere mortal shoved into a life, a destiny that he wasn't ready for. The road that was laid out for him wasn't even that of tremendous proportions, but it was that of cunning deceit. A path laced with magical temptations that always lead to smaller, duskier, enigmatic alleyways. Alleyways that tore at his very soul.

He was a young boy forced to mature faster than his colleagues, run faster than the cheetah, and fly higher than the birds. He is profoundly young, yet he holds so much hope for the world of human kind. If a simple human can uphold all these things within himself, I'm sure that the rest of them can do the same. But they do not.

Knowing him all these years, I was and still am amazed daily with his intelligence, his sophistication, and at the same time his child-like innocence. Though I know what preserved him, what held him up continuously everyday, I still can't help but marvel at the sheer irony of it. That foolish Mask; I call it foolish, yet if any of us are caught without it...I dare not predict the events that would transpire. 

That facade, it is like a virus traveling in his bloodstream. The virus that is almost essential to his life. It is something that he couldn't live with yet at the same time it was something he couldn't live without. Because without it, he would crumble, as would I. 

Once, just once he had let a girl seep through the cracks in the Mask, and behold what he...no we, what we feared most happened. She shattered him. She broke him into a million pieces. He had tripped, rolled down the stairs, and hit his head on the banister. That's how hard he fell for her; how much he thought he needed her. It was a tragic sight that brought tears to my eyes, even as I remember it this day. 

She had used him, then thrown him away like a piece of unwanted paper and it was too much for him. ...I had to be there to pick up the pieces. I didn't have glue, nor did I have anything near as nice to mend it. But I had admirance, hope and love. Those acted as the tape that held him together for some time. I cared for him like a mother did their child, all of us did. And eventually, he mended himself, though I'm sure that deep inside he knows to never let his heart out of it's cage ever again. 

That experience had brought more scratches and faults unto me than you could possibly imagine, but I held it together. I couldn't allow myself to break. I had to hold everyone together. Keep us all safe. I know that is not my responsibility to do so, still I can't help but feel responsible. Being the only female, I feel as if it is my duty to keep everyone together...

But much time has passed now. No matter what happens we're a family and we'll always help each other with the unexpected fissures that hold us back from each other. So many times has this happened that we're on the same level now. We're alike in ways that you can't even imagine. But I know, I've always known that I can't break like them. For if I broke, what would happen to them?

A lifetime behind a mask is too much, even for one person. And I wonder at the person who has lived their life in that fashion. For that seems like an almost impossible task. And like my Master and brother before me, it will be only a matter of time before I too, shatter. And the pieces will be too small to be picked up.

"Nakuru?" I turn my head in the direction of the voice, ruby hair whipping around me. Yue stood there, as stoic as ever.

"Yes?"

"Master Eriol and Mistress Sakura wants a word with all of us."

I nodded. "In a minute Yue..." 

Without a word he turned to go and my attention returned to the wondrous lights of the city displayed before me. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw him pause, and almost hesitantly he turned back to me. "Nakuru?"

I frowned a bit in question. "Yes Yue?"

"Don't think too hard." He replied before walking inside the mansion.

I paused for a moment. "I won't brother. I won't." A smile forced it's way onto my face as I too walked into the marvelous house. 


End file.
